My gripe with Kashi:

To the people of Kashi,

The other day I ambled into a CVS, in hopes of finding some Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Apple Jacks, or some other deliciously indulgent cereal on sale. Instead, I was surprised to find two of your products on sale, for the astoundingly low price of 2 for $6! In an effort to be both healthy and frugal, I purchased a box of Kashi Go Lean! Crunch, and a box of Kashi Heart to Heart. The Go Lean! Crunch box displayed the cereal with blueberries spilling into a bowl. Both the blueberries and the exclamation point made me think that the contents of the box may include considerable flavor. Better yet, the Heart to Heart box said “Honey Toasted Flavor.” Who doesn’t like honey/toasted? My brain told my stomach to anticipate something like Honey Nut Cheerios, only good for you! After carrying myself with a newly found upper caste cereal eater’s walk back to my house, I opened the box of Go Lean! Crunch. I was appalled at what I found…rather, what I didn’t find.

The box contained exactly 0 blueberries and nothing meriting an exclamation point aside from disappointment. This cereal’s flavor was strikingly similar to that of off brand Smacks. Imagine Smacks, minus the stuff that makes it not taste like a tree, and you have Kashi Go Lean! Crunch. Foolishly, I was expecting blueberries and exclamation points…I suggest you consider renaming this cereal “Kashi Liar :o( Crunch.” Truthfully stating that the cereal box lies perhaps evens out the lie itself. The sad face :o( accurately depicts the consumer’s expression upon consumption of the product much better than the exclamation point previously did. These subtle changes should not only give your integrity a boost but also improve the accuracy of your advertising. I figure you guys probably believe in karma anyway, so this will be a good change.

In hopes of chasing away the aftertaste of stale tree bark, I opened the box of Heart to Heart. I was pleasantly surprised to see both “O” shaped nuggets as well as heart shaped ones as the box depicted. Could it be that the first box was an aberration and this box contained the true essence of Kashi products!? Hurriedly, I poured milk into the bowl and dug into Kashi’s second chance. Immediately, the bite made me sad. Sad because it tasted like Puppy Chow (I say this as one who, as a kid, tasted Puppy Chow)…sad because it made me miss my dog. Both my parents’ dog, and my dog who died when I was in high school. Then it made me sad because I was eating it…and not Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Sad because I could have bought 3 Wendy’s Double Stacks for the same price. Sad because at that very moment, I was still really hungry. Though I cannot fault your advertising for this product, I can sure fault the product itself. I hope that this stuff really did help my heart…because it definitely made my heart sad. My submission is that you change the name of this cereal to Kashi h”O”rribles. You should pronounce the “O” with an “o-h” as in “ho-rubbles.” You may sell more that way.

My conclusion: the healthy cereal lied to me, made me want multiple fast food cheeseburgers, and made me miss my dog. Next time I’ll pay double for some Apple Jacks.

Sincerely,

Matt Hickman